People Pleasing and Perfectionism: What Is It Really About? One Perspective
Hello, my name is Amy, and I people-please to perfection. I even worried about whether that joke would land. (A little silliness and a little vulnerability, on purpose.) My body, mind, and heart are telling me no more. So, I’d like to share some information, hoping that if you take just one nugget that makes sense to you, it’s a start to living more fully as the beautiful human you are.
What it can look like
Symptoms can include high standards paired with self-criticism and performance concerns, sometimes called unhealthy (maladaptive) perfectionism. It sounds like, “No matter how hard I try, it is still not enough” (Grad et al., 2023). It often comes with higher stress and may be connected to anxiety, OCD symptoms, and depression (Lunn et al., 2023). It can also look like:
- Hiding imperfection (perfectionistic self-presentation): avoiding situations where our flaws, struggles, or frequent mistakes might show (Chen et al., 2019).
- Feeling others demand perfection from you (socially prescribed perfectionism) (Chen et al., 2019).
- People-pleasing: suppressing your own needs, feeling guilt or anxiety when you say no, and neglecting your own wellbeing (Chaudhuri & Seema, 2026).
- Anger suppression and difficulty with boundaries: What about people who are frequently told they are so nice? Maybe they’re really good at suppressing their anger (Chaudhuri & Seema, 2026).
Sometimes being able to name something more accurately is significant to understanding it.
Some possible root causes
Be curious about whether adverse childhood experiences played a part (Chen et al., 2019; Grad et al., 2023). Because of experiences in my childhood, my brilliant mind created a way to survive better in the situation, like suppressing my own needs so I wouldn’t upset a parent, or trying to prove I was worthy of love and attention by being “perfect” (Grad et al., 2023). Love was conditional: be good and undemanding (Chaudhuri & Seema, 2026).
To be clear, parents are often doing the best they can with what they were given, and many carry their own unhealed hurt (Chaudhuri & Seema, 2026). That doesn’t make the impact any less real. We can hold people accountable and still have compassion for where they came from. Both things can be true.
Now what?
There are many books on this subject. My favorite is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW (Brown, 2010). Researchers suggest that understanding what may have contributed to perfectionism is an important step (Grad et al., 2023). When you are ready to be vulnerable and curious, mindfulness may help (Flett et al., 2020). Strengthening your sense of control and self-worth can take a lot of energy, effort, and determination. I’m still working on it, but it is worth the payoff when you have glimpses of increased control and self-worth (Molnar et al., 2021). And if it’s hard to do something for yourself, think of the people around you. Could you model a better way of living for them? In the words of Brené Brown, wholehearted.
Maybe you’ve started the journey of letting go of perfectionism, and it is still so challenging. It usually is. Maybe you don’t recognize perfectionist traits in yourself, but you feel an extra layer of stress and don’t understand why. Possibly many people around you have similar traits, so your ways of engaging feel familiar, but something feels off. Or maybe you’re curious whether you could engage with yourself and others in a better way. I, or another therapist, would be honored to walk beside you.
References
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Chaudhuri, A., & Seema, N. (2026). Expression of hidden stress: Shaping the biopsychosocial triads. Annals of Neurosciences, 33(4), 535–541. https://doi.org/10.1177/09727531251379694
Chen, C., Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (2019). Adverse childhood experiences and multidimensional perfectionism in young adults. Personality and Individual Differences, 146, 53–57. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.03.042
Flett, G. L., Nepon, T., Hewitt, P. L., & Rose, A. L. (2020). Why perfectionism is antithetical to mindfulness: A conceptual and empirical analysis and consideration of treatment implications. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 19(5), 1625–1645. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-020-00252-w
Grad, R. I., Thomas, C. L., & Gordy, D. D. (2023). Adverse childhood experiences, multidimensional perfectionism, and stress in young adults: A person-centered perspective. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 45(2), 166–183. https://doi.org/10.17744/mehc.45.2.05
Lunn, J., Greene, D., Callaghan, T., & Egan, S. J. (2023). Associations between perfectionism and symptoms of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and depression in young people: A meta-analysis. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 52(5), 460–487. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506073.2023.2211736
Molnar, D. S., Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2021). Perfectionism and perceived control in posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 19, 2204–2218. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-020-00315-y
