By: Tonia Thompson-Conger
Leaning In: Rethinking Mindfulness, Anxiety, and the Work of Getting to Know Yourself
There’s a quiet frustration that a lot of people carry when it comes to managing stress and anxiety. They’ve tried the things they’re supposed to try, meditation apps, deep breathing, journaling, yoga. Maybe some of it helped a little; maybe none of it did. But over time, a subtle conclusion starts to form: Maybe this just doesn’t work for me.
What if that conclusion is built on a false assumption? What if the problem isn’t that mindfulness doesn’t work, but that we’ve been taught to approach it as if there’s one right way to do it?
Anxiety Isn’t Just a Problem to Solve
Anxiety is often treated like something to eliminate, as quickly and efficiently as possible. And it makes sense. It’s uncomfortable, disruptive, and at times overwhelming. Most of us have learned, in one way or another, that the goal is to make it go away.
But anxiety is also information.
It can point to unmet needs, internal conflict, misalignment, or even parts of ourselves that haven’t been fully understood. When we move too quickly into fixing or quieting it, we can miss what it’s actually trying to communicate. Overtime, that pattern can leave us feeling stuck, like we’re managing symptoms without really understanding the source.
When We Become Strangers to Ourselves
One of the less talked about contributors to chronic stress is disconnection, not from others, but from ourselves.
Over time, it’s surprisingly easy to lose touch with what actually helps us feel grounded, safe, or at ease. Busyness becomes the norm. External expectations start to outweigh internal awareness. In some cases, relational dynamics or past experiences teach us to override what we feel rather than pay attention to it.
Eventually, we’re left trying to regulate a system we don’t fully understand. We reach for strategies that work for other people, hoping they’ll work for us too. And when they don’t, it can feel confusing or even discouraging.
But the issue isn’t a lack of effort. It’s a lack of familiarity.
What it Means to “Lean In.”
Leaning in is a different approach. It doesn’t mean forcing yourself to sit in overwhelming emotions or pushing past your limits. It’s not about intensity or endurance. Instead, it’s about direction. It’s gently turning toward your internal experience rather than automatically away from it.
To lean in is to approach what you’re feeling with curiosity rather than judgment. It’s the willingness to notice what’s happening physically, emotionally, and mentally, without immediately trying to fix it or change it.
Leaning in creates space.
- What am I feeling right now?
- Where do I notice it in my body?
- What shifts it, even slightly?
Not perfect answers, just better awareness.
Moving Away from One-Size-Fits-All Mindfulness
Mindfulness has, in many ways, been reduced to a checklist that usually includes meditation, breath work, and journaling. While these can be helpful techniques, they’re often presented as if they should work for everyone.
But people regulate differently.
For one person, stillness feels calm. For another, it makes everything louder. Some people settle through movement, others through creativity, others through connection. The goal isn’t to do mindfulness “right,” it’s to find what brings you back to yourself. That might look like a walk, music, cooking, organizing, or a steady conversation with someone that feels calm and safe. If it increases awareness and connection, it counts.
Learning Your Own System
Leaning in is really about learning your own patterns.
What makes you feel calmer? And not what’s supposed to help. What drains you? What restores you? When do you feel most like yourself? Most people don’t have a clear answer to these questions, not because they are doing something wrong, but because they haven’t been taught to pay attention in this way.
So, you start small.
Notice when anxiety shows up. Notice what makes it worse. Notice what helps. Even a little. Over time, those observations turn into something useful: A clearer understanding of how your system works. Turn this part into a game; think of it as getting to know yourself the way you get to know someone new.
Practical Ways to Start Leaning In
You don’t need a perfect routine. You need small moments of attention.
Start here:
- Notice before you fix. Pause and name what’s happening, emotionally or physically?
- Track what shifts things. Not just what triggers stress, but what eases it.
- Experiment without pressure. If something doesn’t work, that’s information, not failure.
Unexpected Ways to Ground Yourself
Grounding doesn’t have to be quiet or still. Sometimes it works better when it’s sensory, active, or even a little unconventional.
Try:
- Touching something cold like ice, chilly water, a chilled glass.
- Stepping outside and changing your environment.
- Focusing on one instrument in a song.
- Naming five things you can see in a single color.
- Chewing something strong like mints or sour candy.
- Listening to a playlist you’ve curated to help you regulate.
- Pressing your feet firmly into the ground.
- Walking and matching your breath to your steps.
- Smelling something familiar or comforting?
- Stretching or moving instead of sitting still.
- Talking to someone that makes you laugh, really laugh.
Not everything will work for you. That’s the point.
Build Your Own “Regulation Menu”
As you start noticing what helps, you can create your own go-to options.
Think of it as a small, flexible menu:
- A few ways to calm your body.
- A few ways to shift your focus.
- A few ways to feel connected.
You don’t need a long list, just a few things that reliably help. With practice, this becomes less about guessing and more about responding to yourself with intention the same way you would respond to a friend you know well.
The Paradox of Acceptance
The more we fight our internal experience, the more intense it can become. The more we try to push anxiety away, the louder it tends to feel. But when we approach it with curiosity, when we lean-in instead of avoiding, things can begin to shift. Not all at once, but gradually.
What we understand tends to feel more manageable. Understanding can start with naming how you feel to yourself or someone else. “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” Or “I feel stuck in my own body.” This observation helps us recognize our own experience, communicate it to someone else, and ask for the kind of support we know will matter most.
The Role of Safety (and Sometimes, Other People)
Leaning in isn’t always something we need to do, or should do, alone. For many people, especially those with a history of relational stress or trauma, turning inward can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. For others, understanding the self comes from talking it through with someone else. In those cases, this work often begins in the presence of someone else, a therapist, a trusted person, a steady relationship.
We learn to understand ourselves, in part, by being witnessed and understood by someone else.
Coming Back to Yourself
You are not a problem to solve. You are a system to understand. Mindfulness isn’t a checklist; It’s a relationship with yourself. Leaning in is how that relationship begins.
As you come to understand yourself more, anxiety starts to feel less like something happening to you and more like something you can recognize, understand, and respond to. It becomes familiar. When you stop being a stranger to yourself, you can give yourself the kind of support that feels most meaningful and helpful. In this moment you become your own anchor.